It is hard for me to believe that a year has gone by like it has. So much has happened for me and yet, so much hasn’t yet and I’m still waiting on so much of it. And then there is so much that is going to be happening that I don’t even know where to begin to put all of this down.
Fair warning folks, this is going to be one of those “bear your soul” sort of posts. Likely to get someone personal, spiritual, and maybe even a little TMI. But I am going to write it anyway.
A year ago, I was unaware of the things happening in my own home. It seemed that things were just starting to come together for my ex and I in many ways. But there were issues. At the time I didn’t think that it was something we wouldn’t work through but, when he revealed that he was having an affair on the night before our fifth wedding anniversary, I knew it was over between us. He walked out the door to be with her and I got stuck trying to pick up the pieces.
October 6th would have made 6 years for us. Now, I’m in a sort of limbo having to come up with the extra money to pay costs that he agreed to pay in court if I want our divorce to be final so I can go on with my life. I also have to find a way to pay for the truck I was awarded in that divorce (that he was supposed to pay for) and the money to pay off a major debt incurred by his spending spree with his mistress (oh excuse me, his fiancee since the September before he left me). Just so glad I’m getting stuck with the bill for him to go and play sugar daddy. It isn’t like I ever got anything out of our marriage. Not sure why I should care, I’m actually quite accustomed to being used and dumped when I no longer serve a purpose. Don’t know why I expected that relationship to be any different. But, I digress.
I met Charles later in November as I was trying to get myself out and about to have some sort of social life again. I’d been a virtual hermit for most of the 6 years that my ex and I were together. I wanted that to change. So I started trying to make that happen. In December we started to date and in May we got engaged with the intention of being married in November. That won’t happen unless there is a miracle financially and we come into about $800.00. So, we’ll likely be sometime next summer getting married like we want. It will happen eventually though.
Here we are coming up on October 6th again. No doubt, that day will forever be etched in my mind. Now, however there will be a different reason for that.
When I was married to my ex, despite my own personal struggle with spirituality, I felt like I was forced into things I didn’t really agree with anymore. He was not Christian and my belief in something bigger than myself was a big source of issues in our relationship.
A couple weeks ago, I attended church services at a church that Charles and I started to attend while we were dating. I wanted to start going more regularly. And I have been going for a few weeks now, since we got the truck fixed. I realized that it was time for me to hand over this life and start fresh. I walked to the front and knelt at the altar and poured out everything weighing on me. I handed it over, asked to be forgiven of whatever I did in the past and for fighting against what I knew for so long. And I was saved that Sunday.
This Sunday, I take another step in my faith. I’m going to be baptized and then join the church. It is definitely a new chapter in my life. I’m closing the book on so many chapters that have been full of stress and unhappiness.
When I called the pastor to set the date for this, I didn’t even realize what Sunday was. It wasn’t until I called my mother with the news that she pointed out that Sunday will be the 6th of October. So, it will now stand out in my mind for another reason entirely and that, in my opinion, is a very good thing.
I have been contemplating this journey in my life for more than two years. I’ve spent years rebelling against what I knew to be right. Too many of those years have been in dark and shadowy places where I couldn’t begin to understand what I was doing most of the time. Going through this won’t make me perfect or any sort of judge of anyone else. I still believe that a person’s spiritual walk is between them and God (however they may view him). It isn’t about what I think of them or their life. But, it is about what I believe about my own life and how I choose to relate to God. Still, I know this decision is likely to cost me several relationships with people that I considered friends. While I will be sad to see them go, I understand that I have to do what is best for me and if they have to go on their own path without me, so be it. I’ll pray for them and wish them the best.
What a difference a year makes though. God has healed so many areas of my life already. He’s given me a peace about so many things. At the same time, he’s given me new challenges and ways to grow. I’m no longer unnerved at what my future holds. But, I do think I need to learn to listen to my gut more.
I know that this holiday season will be different for me. That’s a good thing. Somehow, everything has a little deeper meaning for me now. So, here’s to another year of growth, change, and life being incredible.